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I, Gaunty

Content Created: July, 1999 / Updated: July 19, 1999

(originally posted in September 1993 to the Torg Mailing list)

This was inspired by the fact that TSR also commissioned a first-person horror novel around the same time that WEG did Interview With Evil, about Ravenloft's Strahd von Zarovich. At least TSR got a real writer (P. N. Elrod) to do I, Strahd, even if I've only read (well, listened to) the one novel by him.

     Gaunt Man...  Gaunt Man...
     Does whatever a High Lord can...
     Spins a dimthread, any size.
     Munches on cosms, just like flies.
     Look out, here comes the Gaunt Man!

That's right! Here comes the Gaunt Man! High Lord of Orrorsh, Master of Pure Unadulterated Terror, and now the toast of Hollywood! You loved his authorized biography, Interview With Evil, but now thrill to his unauthorized biography! Read the true story of how he invaded Kantovia! Find out the amazing relation between Uthorion's hat size and IQ! And what really is the deal with that cane?

I, Gaunty is the definitive truth-revealling look at the Gaunt Man's past. Written in an engaging style, I, Gaunty reveals the things that the Gaunt Man did not want written in Interview With Evil, like his true parents (a balding used car salesman and an incompetent divorce lawyer), how he came to look so crinkly (fell into a newspaper press) and his real name (Melvin Q. Peppersnittle III).

Plus! there are revelations about Heketon, the Obsidian Heart, like the fact he uses Sears Tru-Test paint to hide his graying, and is actually a made out of dried marshmallow Easter bunnies.

But wait! There's more! I, Gaunty continues past the end of IWE! It tells of the Gaunt Man's meeting with the Carredon, and him subsequently buying term life from the reptilian life insurance salesman. It tells of his inadvertant fateful journey to Takta Ker. (He should have taken the left at Alberquerque.) That one fateful afternoon of lust with the lovely edeinos maiden that changed the cosmverse forever. For from that union came Baruk Kaah, future High Lord and subjugator of Earth... er, maybe that's overestimating BK's importance. But it still altered the future of the cosmverse, well, a little. Trust me on this one.

I,G also chronicles some adventures that were never hinted at before. Like when Heketon was bested in a game of "Rock, Scissors, Paper", by a huge legal pad. Like the Gaunt Man's brush with death at the hands of a creature more horrific than he: Barney! Like the failed invasion of the cosm of Cute Little Furry Things, the complete antithesis of Orrorsh. Horrors sent on ahead to plant stelae had no defense against the Law of Happy Fun, which made them skip merrily through the meadows, whistling a happy tune. Like the invasion of Cosm Rubber Nipple, where the powerful Darkness Device Log finally fell when its twin High Lords, Ren Hoek and Stimpson J. Cat, found it was a lot more interesting to pick their noses than to repel those eediot Horrors.

It also chonicles Uthorion's winning of a Darkness Device in a penny arcade, and its subsequent loss in a poker game with 3327 (who, of course, cheated. Unnecessarily.) And then his finding another (broken) one in a dumpster. He named it George. After fixing it with Super Glue (while disconnecting several times), he found out rather shockingly that its name was Drakacanus, not George!

I,G also tells of Gaunt "Casanova Corpse" Man's other romantic conquests, most most notably the one with a young Queen of Egypt, resulting in Sutenhotep, who later became the Dreaded Doctor Mobius. The Gaunt Man taught his son everything that he knew, and of course the poor youngster's mind snapped.

The unauthorized biography ends up with the Possibility Wars, with a true account of what the Gaunt Man is planning now that he's back in action. His first priority, of course, is catching up with that lovely arachnid, Basjas....

Run, don't walk, to your nearest book store, and purchase a copy of I, Gaunty! It's only $14.95, in hardcover! (with faux-human skin dust jacket) You won't be disappointed!